First-World Problems to the Max

This has been a very stressful week for me and my family. And most of it has to do with the ongoing car search.

Let me give you a bit of backstory here.

I have been driving since the day I turned fifteen. I was at the DMV the morning of my birthday, ready to go. Since that day, I have been wanting a car of my own. Just the idea of freedom was appealing to me back then.

Now, it's become a necessity.

I go to a school that's half an hour away from my house because I'm in a magnet program. I live with my mom, and we only have one car between us. I have school and work to go to, and my mom has a full-time job. Last year, we made it work, because I only worked one night during the school week. On the days that I didn't work, or have drama club, or my mom or my best friend's mom (who we carpool with) couldn't pick me up, I rode the bus home. No big deal.

This year, things are going to change a little bit. I no longer am able to ride the bus because I didn't register in May for a seat. I now work two nights during the school week, and my shifts are an hour earlier.

I didn't register for a seat and I picked up extra shifts because I believed I would have a car by my senior year.

At least, that's what I was told.

See, when I started working last year, I made a deal with my parents.If I saved $1000 by this summer, and made good grades during the school year while maintaining my job and my extracurriculars, they would get me a car by the time school started. I made good on my end. I finished the year with a 3.5 GPA,  As and Bs, and more than $1000 in my savings account. I expected to spend this summer car shopping.

My parents told both my brother and I that we would have cars by the time we went back to school. My brother is a sophomore in college at a school five hours away from my house. His college town has immaculately planned bus routes, and he can take a bus or ride his bike to any of his classes in about five minutes. He does not have a job, nor has he ever had one. He wouldn't have a way to pay for his own gas in Jacksonville, so he would have to use my mom's credit card for gas. He has never expressed an interest in driving - he didn't even get his license until he was almost 18 - and has never expressed a need for a car except for coming home and going back to school during school breaks.

I didn't care about any of that. If we both had cars, I would be happy. My parents didn't start car shopping until about mid-July because my dad had a lot of false hope about the used car market.

They had specific parameters when they first started out. They wanted two '01-'05 Hondas or Toyota Corollas with less than 100,000 miles and around $5K-$6K. They quickly found out that that wouldn't happen. The used car market is extremely difficult to navigate right now, because after the tsunami in Japan, car production slowed and people began buying more used cars.

They changed their searches a little, but it became clear that we weren't going to have much luck.

Honestly, when it came down to it, I thought I would be the priority. I cannot, with practicality in mind, share a car with my mom. It just doesn't work with our schedules. I actually have places to go and cannot walk, bike, or ride a bus to my destinations. (People die on their bikes almost every day in my town, which is full of senior citizen neighborhoods of people who don't pay attention on the road.) Not only do I need one more, but I have earned it. I've spent my whole summer working. I go to school and I go to work and I'm successful. My brother, on the other hand, has spent the whole summer in his room, on his computer.

So imagine my surprise on Monday when my dad made an off-hand comment like "Sorry, honey, we just gotta get Jake a car before he gets back to school." And imagine my surprise on Tuesday when my brother pulled up in an '07 Ford Fusion of his very own. After yet another failed car search for me, because the car I went to look at with my mom had 131K miles on it.

I kind of knew, I guess. I knew that, when they started to get discouraged, they picked one of us to focus on. One of us was the priority. And it wasn't me.

And it's been like that for my entire life.

My brother always outranks me. My brother comes first. My brother is more important.

It's only important to keep promises to my brother.

And now there's a week left of summer, and honestly, I don't think my parents are going to be in any hurry to fulfill their promise to me. My mom has told me over and over again that she'd rather put me in something "safe and reliable" and that she'll wait for as long as it takes before that car shows up. But they found something for my brother without too much fuss, and it just feels like this is all futile.

I'm mad. I'm hurt. And it's not just about the stupid car. Even though that really sucks, because all I've talked about for two years is wanting a car. I have not asked for a single gift for Christmas or my birthday because I told my parents to save their money for my car. But that's not the thing that really bothers me. It's that my brother will ALWAYS beat me out, and that no matter how much I work to earn something, no matter how much I DESERVE it, my brother will get it first by doing nothing but sitting on his ass.

It sucks.

Organization

Today, I'm spending the hours I have before work to sort through some of the things I have to do before school starts. That list includes going through my CAS hours (Community, Action, Service), uploading them onto Managebac, and trying to plan out how to finish them in the next year. I also have to start my summer reading, my summer journal, and my Extended Essay, which is on the topic of Film. I'll be talking about the mise-en-scene of two films - Wizard of Oz and West Side Story. So I actually ordered those movies today off of amazon. They should be here on Saturday. I need to go over my outline for the paper and start printing out resources.

All of this stresses me out. I know this year is going to go really fast, but I'm scared of it all the same. I wish it was just over already. I don't want to have to go through any of this, really. I'd rather be starting a new chapter of my life, moving into college and having that freedom and knowing I'm actually doing something relevant for the rest of my life instead of going through the motions of my last year in high school. I'm ready to be out.

But I hope it will at least be fun. I hope I'll make good memories that I can carry with me. These are nowhere near the best years of my life, but they aren't the worst, either. I'm seventeen. This is kind of my last year of real childhood. And while I have a lot of responsibilities, I'm still young, and I have to remember that, too. And not fixate on growing up too fast.

I feel like I should still be six years old and riding bikes around the neighborhood instead of reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek and trying to figure out how to sweet talk a Pilates instructor at the gym into signing off on a Pilates class if I were to take it to finish up my CAS hours. I still need about 40. I can get some from drama club still. I don't know how many I can get before they're due, though. I've broken down my projects from last year - like an elementary school drama club that I volunteered for, and my drama club as well, both being in the shows and staying late to paint for them for a few weeks. I have my 50 hours for Service, so that's out of the way. And I have about 30 each for the other two. With all the time I spend at the gym, it just really doesn't seem practical to go about getting action another way if it's possible to get credit for those hours. Especially when my physical activity really HAS had an impact on my lifestyle this summer, and on my way of thinking and my perception of myself.

Beachy Keen

Yesterday was a crazy day - left the house at 7:30 a.m., came back for twenty minutes at lunchtime to eat, left again, and didn't get back until 10:00. I had work until 12:30, and then I went out with my friends and boyfriend to Sawgrass Mills, an outlet/massive shopping area that also has a gameroom. We shopped for a little while, and then went to go play video games at the arcade. After that, we went to karaoke, as we do every Thursday night.

It was a lot of fun. The pattern I'm finding in my weekly schedule is crazy day, lazy day, crazy day, lazy day. It alternates. Probably has to do with my Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday-Sunday work schedule.

I anticipate a lazy day today. Tyler is coming over and I think we're either going to have a movie day or go to the beach.

On a personal note...I've been having some pretty severe mood swings. All of them are entirely hormone related but it's still a pain. Anticipate late-night musings and rants on this blog - after 11 pm, all bets are off and my mind starts to go into overdrive.

Rainy days.

I've had a crazy weekend. Most of my time in the last four days was spent at work, trying to earn some more money. I'm a nest-egg mentality kinda girl. I like having money to sit on. It makes me feel a lot safer. But anyway. Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and we (my brother and I) went to go have our pictures made, since that was all she really wanted. And that was REALLY uncomfortable. The photographer kept calling me "darlin'." Ugh.

At least I got a chance to check out the newly reopened Forever 21 store in the mall. :) That place is HUGE.

I think I've earned a lazy day, and so I'm spending the morning watching Maury and Jerry Springer, and reorganizing my nail polish collection. Super uninteresting but kind of nice as well, especially with storms in the background. Rainy days are my favorite. I think, later on, I'll finish Perks of Being a Wallflower. And maybe go to Pilates with my mom tonight. I miss going to the gym, and I hate feeling like an inactive tub of lard.

College and whatnot

Tonight is my self-designated College Research night. I got off of work earlier than expected, and decided that I still need to do something productive with my life instead of watching Netflix for hours on end. So I'm researching.

Well... "researching," anyway. I've been looking up the tracked tags of my schools of interest on Tumblr and seeing what the popular opinion of actual students is about the school, rather than just the glowing biases they feed you at tours. I also have been looking into overall job happiness of my chosen career, and the possible wages.

Ideally, I want to work at a private preschool. Or own one. I'm planning on majoring in Early Childhood Education.

The wage is pretty deplorable. I'll be the first to admit that I'm fully aware of that. That's kind of why I'm aiming for a higher education, so I can earn more money and maybe get into the pool of qualified teachers for in-demand preschools. Private makes about $35K a year, public about $23K.

But I'm not interested in money. Not really, anyway. I've been a teacher at heart my entire life. And children are quite literally my ultimate passion. Right now, I work with them. I'm hoping my experience with them will give me a competitive edge.

But there's still time to figure all of that out. Right now, I have to worry about college.

The fact of the matter is, I cannot afford out-of-state tuition. Just can't do it. I refuse to go into massive student debt. With scholarships and grants and in-state tuition, and a supplementary job, I can probably squeak by with minimal to no debt. It all just costs so much money! It's incredible. I don't know how anybody gets by in this economy.

Well, anyway. I've pretty much narrowed it down to two universities of interest. The first is University of Florida in Gainesville, which is about a four-hour drive. It's one of the biggest and most prestigious in the state and it LOVES IB students. It gives you a lot of credit for your diploma classes. It's pretty much the fall-back school of every kid in my class - for a lot, it's the goal. I have many friends planning on going there. It's a wonderful school, very very big and renowned for its parties and football team.

The second is Florida Atlantic University. It's about 30 minutes away from my house. It has a good Early Education program, and the school itself has been growing in leaps and bounds recently. My dad works for the Engineering firms there from time to time, and we all kind of have a bit of a connection to it. My boyfriend will be going there in the fall. I have a few other friends, mostly from work, who go there as well.

There are cons to each, too. I didn't feel a connection with University of Florida when I toured. At ALL. I disliked its dorms, I didn't like that the College of Education was in the boonies of the campus, I didn't like the distance from the beach, and I didn't like the college-town setting. I'm not a big partier. I don't drink or smoke. I'm too ***~~~straight edge~~~***.  And there's not really a whole lot else to do! I feel like people expect me to go here, almost.

FAU is so close to home. Even though I'd be dorming, I worry that I'd be robbing myself of a real college experience. I've heard unpleasant things about the hoops you have to jump through for housing assignments and class changes.

I'm leaning towards FAU at this point. I want to tour the campus to see more, though.

Trivial Pursuits

My collection of nail polish is ever growing and I've progressed rapidly from always having gross, chipping polish to having nice, painted nails all the time. I can't stand my bare nails anymore. They just look so boring without anything on them! Even a plain light pink looks better to me than nothing at all. Painting my fingernails also gives me something to do when I'm bored. Nail polish is also rather cheap (as compared to other hobbies of mine... I'm looking at you, $600 camera), and SO MANY COLORS. I'm not incredibly girly, but I do like this because it makes me feel a bit more feminine. My hand are also one of the parts of my body that I have no fault with, and that I actually like. I love my hands. And I love my fingernails.

Well, anyway.

Yesterday was a pretty nice day. Save for waking up at 2 in the morning and having one of my stressed-stomach bouts. I swear, I'm like clockwork. If I get upset or worked up about something, you can bet that I will be up by 2 or 3 a.m., writhing in pain because my stomach won't settle down. And then I throw up violently at around 4. As soon as it's out of my system, I'm better, but I've lost sleep and I'm grumpy for the rest of the day. I still had to go to work at 8:30 yesterday morning, but since my job actually cheers me up, I felt better coming out of it, and after I had something to eat my mood improved. Tyler came over yesterday, and we made up. Which was good, considering that I still wanted to kill him on Monday night. Oh well. It's done, it's over, and we move on. We don't fight a lot. Hardly ever, really. And maybe it's good for us because even though we didn't talk for a few days, we did eventually manage to talk it out. Which is hard for me. I'm used to shutting down completely, closing off, and refusing to solve issues. And I know that's a problem. I need to be a better communicator.

But for now, I will sit in my mom's room watching Maury and Jerry Springer, drinking tea and trying to work out this kink in my neck that's making it impossible for me to lie down comfortably. Probably a direct result of sleeping on the bathroom floor when I was sick.

Ladybug nails.

            In my free time, I paint my fingernails.

            It’s a bit of a contradiction, really. I’m probably one of the most impatient people I know, so sitting around and waiting for nail polish layers to dry doesn’t seem like a practical hobby. And many of my manicures have been royally screwed by TV remotes or book pages or iPhone scrolling because I get so bored in the process of drying my digits.

            But it’s still SO MUCH FUN. And I like having interesting nails.

            So to christen this blog with posts other than those of the personal nature, here are my ladybug nails!

These are really, really deceptively easy to do. I didn't think to take process pictures, but I will probably do that in the future. Maybe. It's hard to take pictures with wet fingernails. :)


Anyway, for these, my base coat is Revlon Creme Brulee. I painted that on each of my fingers, save for my ring finger. On that finger, I used a base of Sinful Colors Ruby Ruby. That color is also the color of the smaller lady bugs (the dots) on the other fingers. 


For my Creme Brulee fingers, I used a few different sizes of dotting tools. The largest size was used for the red body, the medium size for the black heads, and the smallest for the black dots on the body. 


On the Ruby Ruby ring finger, I freehanded the black "head" (tip) and stripe down the middle with a small paintbrush. The black dots and the white eye dots were made with the same size as the red body dots on the other fingers. The pupils of the eyes were dotted on with the same size as the black head dots.


Finish with a topcoat, and voila! 

Miss Geniality

I don't understand how a person who's never even met you before can dislike you, even hate you, because of your association with someone else.

I'm in my first serious relationship, going on about ten months now. Before this boy, I had never had to deal with exes. Ever. He's older than me by about a year and a half, and he's had three previous, rather short-lived relationships. The longest one was about six months.

One of his ex-girlfriends is actually a close friend of mine and we're on amazing terms. She's still friends with him, too. That was his longest relationship. She has another boyfriend now and that's dandy. She's not on my gripe list.

The other two... I'm not so sure.

The one I have had the most problem with is his most recent ex. Who was my friend before I ever even met him. And who I had problems with before I ever even met him. She was the one who toyed with and broke up with him, and yet she was the one constantly texting him and trying to get his attention...but not until AFTER I got with him.

Doesn't this all seem so petty?

It really just aggravated me more than anything. I had pretty much stopped being friends with her before anything happened between me and him. But I still respected our previous friendship enough to tell her myself when things started getting serious. And pursuing him, and I think, at one point, counting on our break-up so she could get her second chance.

Eventually, she kind of stopped. Not really. But she backed off a little bit. It REALLY bothered me that my boyfriend wouldn't tell her to ease up when he knew it made me uncomfortable...and that's actually kind of the source of a fight that we're in right now. She's not very emotionally stable and he thinks it's his responsibility to not be a dick to her, even if it means snubbing me in the process.

Butanyway.

I found his first ex girlfriend's Tumblr a few weeks ago. And because I am extremely snoopy, I looked through it (hey, public domain, right?). While she's had her flings since him, she keeps going back to the idea with him. I've never actually had a conversation with the girl in my life but she's the kind of Tumblr girl who reblogs the black and white text photos that speak of lost loves and hopes of second chances. A few months ago, she posted a picture from years ago of herself and my boyfriend with the caption "I will always love him." She has said that, as the boy that was a lot of her "firsts" (boyfriend, love, what have you) she will make the effort to keep in touch with him for the rest of her life. Which, you know, whatever. I've never experienced a real breakup before and I don't know how some girls move on afterward, so I can't judge.

What DOES bother me? The pointed messages at me, even if they're not shown to me personally. The passive aggressive "She's prettier and better than me so why wouldn't you pick her over me?" stuff that is supposed to guilt. Tonight, I saw this gem in the form of a screencap of an iPhone conversation: "The problem with just being friends is I have to watch you be with someone who doesn't deserve you when I know I can treat you better."

I know that she was referencing her relationship to him because the image before that one was a text picture of lyrics of "their song" (I know that it was "their song" because he told me so).

I don't know how I'm supposed to react to this. If I react at all. It's just so odd to me, to have someone crossing their fingers and praying that your boyfriend will break up with you so that person can have another shot. I'm not used to people actively disliking me, especially people I've never even MET. I'm sure she's seen my Tumblr; she follows my boyfriend, and my boyfriend constantly reblogs the pictures of myself that I post. But because so many of my friends follow me on that blog, I never post anything truly personal (it's mainly a vessel for my Avengers obsession, actually). She has no way of knowing anything about me at all, really, and yet she chooses to dislike me.

It's just odd.

I suppose it's natural? Maybe? They broke up about two and a half years ago, because her strict, conservative parents wouldn't allow her to see him anymore. Neither of them wronged the other, but he's long since moved on, and she's dwelling on the past.

I suppose I'm doing the same to her as she's doing to me. Forming rather baseless impressions. But I don't have a negative opinion of her. It just makes me think, because, under different circumstances, we might have been friends.

Ladybirds.

Today is Monday, July 16, 2012. Absolutely nothing of significance has happened today. The most exciting thing I've done is paint my fingernails. My older brother broke a bottle of olive oil. And other than that, nothing of consequence or even worthy of mention has transpired.

I'm utterly bored, to say the least.

I don't have many days to just lounge around and be lazy. And God knows once school starts, those days will be even rarer. But for now...it's kind of nice.

Maybe I'll talk about myself here. These first posts are meant for introductions, aren't they? I'm Alyssa. I'm 17, and I live in South Florida. I live with my mom, my brother (during the summer months and breaks from school), and two dogs. We live in a charming, if slightly drab and constantly-needing-repair, suburbian chateau. Honestly, I'm no different from any other seventeen-year-old with a blog. I don't have many unique interests, I don't have many daring adventures or interesting stories. I'm just a quiet girl with a loud imagination. And I'm trying really hard to hold onto my last shred of childhood.

I'm afraid of college. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of mortgages and taxes and minivans. I can't fathom furniture shopping. But I suppose it's inevitable. No bursts of stardust will transform me into Peter Pan.

See what I mean? I'm not very original. I guess it's a common fear for everyone.

I like painting my fingernails, and going to the gym (which I guess is a bit uncommon, but I work there too, and it's the place where I spend most of my non-lounging time). I have friends, and a boyfriend, and an expensive DSLR camera to document the things I do. When I actually do things. 

I'm hoping to actually blog consistently throughout this year. I just want to stick to it because...it's my last year of high school, you know? The last hoorah. I suppose it'd be nice to have somewhere to talk about college applications and IB stresses and all the shitstorms I'm thoroughly anticipating this year, and this is the alternative to writing in my journal, which has a limited amount of pages and a tendency to make my hand cramp up (there's a word for that, I'm sure). Which is unfortunate, because I do like to write by hand, but...I like to talk more. Especially about myself. And isn't the blogosphere the perfect place to host that sort of narcissism?

I suppose so.

So anyway, here it is. July 16th. 4:13 p.m. Let's see if I actually follow through with this one.